On Track ezine April 06 issue #24

'How can I shut off from work? It's getting in the way of my family life' This question was put to me by a client who was having trouble switching off from work and 'being present' when she got home. Her partner was complaining that she seemed to be always 'at work' even when she was at home. In brief, her demanding job was crowding her family and personal life. Sound familiar?
This is a common problem especially when email, instant paging and mobile phones mean we can be 'on call' almost 24 hours a day. And when you have kids, the challenge can be amplified. They demand quality attention and won't settle for less.
When my daughter, Jaala, was very young, she would wander into my office and want to chatter, see what I was doing and generally get my undivided attention. In the early days I tried to distract her while I continued to write that very important letter, or finish the project I was working on. Then I would feel guilty that I was wasting our precious time together on work stuff when I could be engrossed with her ( I swear I could hear 'Cat's in The Cradle' coming from somewhere in the room!)
So I learned how to 'swap hats' in an instant. From solopreneur to dad in 3 seconds flat. And I learned how to go back from dad to solopreneur in the same amount of time. Later I learned some technical language to understand what I was doing. So if 'switching off' is a challenge for you or you find that focusing on one thing at a time is tricky - read on.
The issue is contamination of one context to another. That's tech jargon. What it really means is you can't fully do two things at the same time. Yes, you can fool yourself that you can juggle talking to young children while writing emails, reports etc etc - but they know the truth. If you aren't fully present, you're not really listening to them with heart and mind. And that's what they want - nay - demand. Try pretending and they will just hang around longer until they get their full measure of you. That's if you're lucky. If you're unlucky they leave unsatisfied and feeling less worthy about themselves. That thought horrified me.
Here's what I learned to do.
1. Decide what my priority was at that instant.
2. Turn up (be present) or negotiate

Let us say that my office activity wasn't time sensitive and I could take 5-10 minutes out to play and be with my daughter. I would make a mental bookmark of where I was at in the project and then mentally swap hats from project manager to dad. Part of the 'hat swapping process' was the decision to be with my daughter for the next 5, 10 or 15 minutes. I found from experience this was about all the time she wanted before going onto other adventures.
Another crucial part of this equation was how 'present' I was during this 5 - 15 minutes. When I was fully there, 10 minutes was the average time she needed from me. If I was half present and my mind was sneaking back to my project, she would want at least 20 minutes of my time. Hmmm. So I learned another life lesson from my daughter. 'Be where you are.'

On occasion I did have time pressures that meant it was important to focus on the project I was involved in. In those cases I would negotiate with Jaala. Even when as a youngster she could appreciate the concept of sharing and that you don't get everything that you want on demand.
If I made a promise that after finishing this report etc I would take her to the park, beach, go for a walk, she would be happy and wander off to some other adventure or person until the promised time. Of course, I would honour that promise otherwise she would learn not to trust me.

Let's get specific and break the process down into chucks.

To 'shut off from work' you need to incorporate a ritual that separates work life from home life. The ritual helps you to define one context from another. The trouble is when we contaminate one context with another. My ritual was values based i.e. on my values around being a good dad and a solopreneur. Both were important for me and were worth honouring. I also understand and I can't fully succeed at both at the same time. They had to be treated as separate activities. When I decided which was appropriate at any given time, I would put on the appropriate hat. This was a crucial part of the ritual. Even thought the hat was imaginary it still had real implications.

When I had the 'dad' hat on, I listened fully to my daughter and was present emotionally was well as physically. I left my work on the desk knowing it would still be there when I returned and that it would only take a moment to get my head back into the project. I didn't have guilt feelings no matter which hat I was wearing because I knew I would be getting back to the other in a predictable negotiated amount of time.

When I switched back to 'solopreneur' I felt happy that I was being a good dad (the song Cats in the Cradle' was no longer playing in my head) and now I could finish the project and be fully present whilst doing so.

Have physical or mental signals that indicates you are about to change from one context to another.
Practice the ritual very deliberately, especially in the beginning. After a short time, it will become automatic and easier to do.
Perhaps you already have some rituals you use to separate areas in your life - let me know. I know of a successful writer who has very specific rituals when writing and editing. I borrowed his idea and it has made a huge difference.
So what could you use these ideas for? Go experiment, have fun...and notice the difference in your effectiveness.